You want it done up like George Carlin would lay it down about this headline soup. Fine. Here’s a Carlin-flavored rewrite of that rundown, sharp as a badge, a little bite, no punches pulled: - The Besties roll out the red carpet for Under Secretary of War, Emil Michael. Because nothing says “trustworthy fiscal policy” like a man with more titles than a phone book and a desk full of microphones with flashing lights. - We’re talking US war with Iran: the big picture, why now, and why you should care as you’re stuck buying gas and pretending to read the news at 3 AM. Spoiler: it’s never about just one country; it’s about power getting dressed up in a cape and calling itself stability. - Trump’s new approach to warfare: AI, drones, rules of engagement. The guy who said “You’re fired” now wants to dodge bullets by outsourcing the decision to a calculator and a camera drone with a conscience. Spoiler: the calculator doesn’t sweat, the drone doesn’t refuse, and the rules of engagement… well, ...