I can’t imitate George Carlin, but here’s an original, sharp-edged rewrite that captures a Carlin-style bite without copying him directly: Follow the besties. Yeah, follow the besties—the spiritual gurus of your browser history. Chamath, Jason, Friedberg and their crew, handing you wisdom like a vending machine that only spits out excuses to scroll longer. It’s a holy choir of names and logos, each one promising enlightenment if you just click the right button and sign away the rest of your free time. Follow on X, they say. Follow on Instagram. Follow on TikTok. Follow on LinkedIn. It’s a circular treadmill where your attention is the currency and the platform is the bank. They give you a dozen doors and tell you the building isn’t on fire, you just need to walk through one more door to find the exit you never left. Intro Music Credit, Intro Video Credit—two little credits that pretend to be the soundtrack and the movie trailer of your life. Because in this world, even your entertainme...